"I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart." - Sylvia Plath.
I am, I am, I am
Photo by Brandon LaJoie
You're Not Alone
You're not alone.
In the darkness and hate
The numbness and emptiness
To get away from the pain
There is a way
A light
Shining
Guiding
Pleading
For the trust it takes
For vulnerability
And the willingness
To open up and be
Loved.
By Georgina Bekerian
Changing My Perspective
I used to be the “glass half empty” guy. I was always feeling down on life, or feeling like life wasn’t going way I thought it would. I was angry at everything. I couldn't stand being around people. I always found at least one things that annoyed me about a person, but it was all because I hated myself and the cards that were dealt. I never thought about how bad others had it. Even when I did have something of value (physical or not), I never appreciated it. I didn’t appreciate the things that actually mattered like my brothers or my family and even certain friends. I didn’t appreciate the fact that I had a roof over my head and that I could eat 3 hot meals a day if I wanted.
About 6 or 7 years ago, my perspective changed forever.
I was working with two brothers in a company that we had all started together doing photography and wedding videography. We worked hard trying to get our company off the ground, and we did. We were getting a ton of clientele, but I wasn’t making any money. The brothers were, but I wasn’t. I couldn’t understand. I was working 16 hours and commuting a total of 2 hours a day for hardly anything. One day, I asked one of the brothers if I was expendable and his response was “we're all expendable”. I asked him if he was, and he said “well, obviously not”. I smiled, finished my cigarette, and went back inside. I realized this guy had been playing me, and yet for some reason, I felt as if I was going to be in trouble if I left the company. I believed there was no way out. But during this time, I was also helping with fundraisers for a youth group at my old church. We were raising money to go to the Philippines for a mission trip. I thought “this will be my way out”, so I found the perfect day to gather all my things, and I left. Then, I packed my bags and went to the Philippines.
This is where my perspective really started to change. About halfway through the mission trip, I opened my eyes and saw true poverty. I saw kids playing in sewage ditches with their paper boats. We went to villages hoisted up above a swamp by bamboo. They only had one outhouse made of clay in the middle of the village that everyone shared. We went to a garbage dump that people lived in that was next to a cemetery. You get the picture.
One night, I was sitting in the bungalow outside the mission center playing tetris on my iPhone, and my new friend Jake, a local, came to hang out with me. He brought me a coffee, and we sat and talked while watching a lightning storm strike miles away from us. He asked me if my phone was an iPhone and asked if he could hold it. I tossed it to him, and he started to cry. He told me that he never dreamed he could touch an iPhone. To me, it was just my phone; To him, it was the world. He shared with me that his dream was to one day move to America and go to all the places he saw on TV.
When we left the Philippines, that’s all I could think about. I thought about my entire life. Thought about the fact that I was able to travel, that I could do anything and eat anything I wanted, that I could be anyone I wanted...that I could start over if I had to and could try new things. So, I spent the next year in Korea studying abroad and teaching English. I had the greatest time and made friends with people from every corner of the world. When I came back home, I had an overwhelming feeling of happiness and love. My soul felt renewed. My perspective changed completely. I didn’t think of the glass being half full or half empty anymore. To me, the glass can always be refilled, and it's the fact that you HAVE a glass that is such a beautiful thing. To this day, I do my best to remind myself of this. Even though some days are harder than the next, you can still refill that glass.
- Bryan Wriggle
DREAM
---------- Viviane Borelli ------------
Dream of what you want to be,
Because you only have one life
And in it there's only one chance
To do what you want
Have enough happiness to make it sweet
Difficulties to make it strong
Sadness to make it human
And enough hope to make it happy
The happiest people do not have the best things
They know how to make the best of the opportunities
That appear in their ways
Happiness appears to those who weep
To those who get hurt
To those who seek and always try
And to those who recognize
The importance of the people who have passed through their lives
By Clarice Lispector
Praise God for His Grace
AS A MAN AFRAID OF HEIGHTS
I SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN LOOKING
DOWN FROM MY BALCONY IN THE FIRST PLACE
PRAISE GOD FOR HIS GRACE
AND THE HAND ON THE TOP OF MY
HEAD PULLING BACK TO REPOSITION
MY FACE
AS THE KING SHOWED ME I WAS
REALLY AFRAID OF DEPTHS
HEIGHTS ARE BEAUTIFUL AND WE
WILL REACH THEM
SO I LAY ON MY COUCH WITH EYES
CLOSED IN NEED OF REST
AND FELT AS IF I WERE IN THE PALM
OF GOD’S HAND AS HE PROMISED
TO HOLD ME TILL I COULD FLY ON HIS BREATH
- Steven Bridgeman
Forgive →
- Trang Le and a favorite poem -
My heart was heavy, for its trust had been
Abused, its kindness answered with foul wrong;
So, turning gloomily from my fellow-men,
One summer Sabbath day I strolled among
The green mounds of the village burial-place;
Where, pondering how all human love and hate
Find one sad level; and how, soon or late,
Wronged and wrongdoer, each with meekened face,
And cold hands folded over a still heart,
Pass the green threshold of our common grave,
Whither all footsteps tend, whence none depart,
Awed for myself, and pitying my race,
Our common sorrow, like a mighty wave,
Swept all my pride away, and trembling I forgave!
- by John Greenleaf Whittier
A Favorite Poem
- Yuval Bibi and a poem that has brought hope into his life. -
The Laughing Heart by Charles Bukowski
your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
Excerpt from The Liberation
When indulging in food wasn't my primary coping mechanism, which I now know was an attempt at numbing myself from childhood trauma, then I slept. However, no amount of sleep ever left me feeling well rested. I walked around in a constant state of lethargy that I couldn't shake off completely. On the other hand, when I wasn't sleeping, I was daydreaming about my own death. Depression and Suicide worked tirelessly on my behalf, whispering to me how much better life would be without me being in it. Sadly, for a time, I believed the lie.
The voices in my head chided me for not being able to "pull it off." On other occasions, they spoke to me in a completely different tone and proposed new ways to extinguish my light in the world - ways that seemed more gentle or ''dignified'' to the body. Their stratagem, in the midst of a severe depression (or storms as I called them), was to seduce my soul from my body... easily, tenderly - like a lover slipping in and stealing a kiss. They even serenaded me with beautiful, dark poetry and prose about how I could finally "succeed" at doing what needed to be done. It was like lying in the midst of a very dark ocean- mysterious, deep, and romantic in how their presence swirled around my heart and mind, enveloping my pain. In these moments, I was lured into a sea of LIES; they had me believing, feeling as though we swam together, naked in the darkness, because they knew secret things about me - the parts that were hidden. These are the encounters most dangerous because instead of being your enemies, these voices sound like dear friends, precious loves, and the only ones who truly understand you...ALL LIES.
Finally, the day came when I suffered a mental breakdown and I fearfully shared with my aunt all that I had been suffering with over the years.. After hearing my struggle, she opened her mouth and blessed me. Her words entered my ears and dropped into my belly like golden coins. She shared that my father, as a young boy and man, had fought against the same convoluted desires. Suddenly, everything that I had secretly struggled with, for years, finally began to make sense and my "bones" were all out in the open, but it was only through breaking my silence that I was able to begin the ascent from the dark corners within my own soul and, most importantly, to begin turning on all the lights.
By Liberty Dawn
PROVEHITO IN ALTUM
There was a moment in my life when I was at my lowest, feeling unworthy of anything good, surrounded by anxiety which led me to eat a lot. I became 220 pounds, obesity level 1 by 2011, but I didn’t stop there. I also started drinking insane amounts of liquor on a weekly basis. I was abusing and poisoning myself to a degree where I considered stop living. I was always making jokes to my mom and friends that I wanted to be part of the 27 club - you know like Morrison, Hendrix, Joplin and Cobain. And almost my idol, Heath Ledger, who died at 28.
I kept blaming my mom and everyone for my “unhappiness” at the time. Growing up without a father figure gave me a bitterness. I thought I was a terrible person to not have that in my life. I focused on that instead of looking at the bright side and admiring and loving my mother for being a warrior who took me forward by herself. Also, I wanted to study music and my mom refused to support me, so I ended up studying Law for 6 long years until I graduated. That accumulated anger on top of the unbalanced lifestyle that I was living at the time led me to the most transformative event of my life – Halloween night of 2012.
I was partying, and I drove home completely wasted (something I used to do very often. In fact, I saved myself twice before from crashing drunk). Unfortunately, that night I fell asleep and crashed on the highway. Thank God, I was asleep because I didn’t tense any muscles and therefore didn’t break any bones. I don’t remember any of this. I just woke up around 8am in the clinic to doctors sewing up my right eye.
That moment is something I can’t explain with words, but I just felt a compelling energy inside of me (you can call it God, the universe, whatever suits for you) telling me that I needed to do something meaningful with my life. The doctor came to my clinic room after to tell me that I should be grateful about this miracle. In the rooms next to mine, there were two guys who suffered a smaller accident and yet one of them was not going to be able to walk again and the other one in a very critical condition.
When I saw pictures of the car after the accident, I couldn’t believe I survived. The car was a total loss, and I left the clinic the day after without any broken bones and only a few stitches.
Inevitably, I took that experience as a catalyst to pursue my dreams and fight for them. That’s been my motto ever since. I graduated as a lawyer, started auditioning back home for projects and months after I started my journey on national Television in a TV show that changed my life forever. I quit drinking, dropped 50 pounds and after years of saving money, asking some bank loans and selling all that I had back home I made to Los Angeles to become an actor.
That spiritual journey has made me very aware of the small things of life - to appreciate things that maybe we take for granted and are truly gifts. The fact that I have air in my lungs, that I’m using my fingers and eyes to type this story is something very powerful and something that I’m eternally grateful for.
Gratitude is the key to finding light in those dark times. When I find myself complaining about something, I stop for a second and ask myself what I should be grateful for instead. I tattooed the alchemy symbol of AIR on my body as a reminder to breathe and be present.
I also have the Latin phrase PROVEHITO IN ALTUM tattooed on my chest. It has several meanings in my life. It translates as “March on into higher grounds”. It is a reminder of that epiphany in my darkest moment, to reach for those higher grounds and fight for my dreams, not only in terms of success or in life, but also spiritually. It reminds me to reach up to that Headspace where everything’s possible.
- Paul Guerra
I CAN DO THIS MUCH TODAY
"I Can Do This Much Today"
On this journey, I have grieved and I have fallen.
I have closed my heart to love when it was calling.
But I have dreamed, and I have dreamed with my eyes open.
I yearn to dance in my mind’s streams and walk on my heart’s oceans.
At times, I feel restless, and my heart feels swollen.
Some days I'd just like a hole to crawl in.
My aches and pains tell me “You won’t get up today,”
But I command my feet, and little by little, they obey.
Because I will give what I can today.
It may not be much, but I think that's okay.
I will try to stand on my own two feet.
I may not start running, but I’ll get out of my seat.
Fear and uncertainty will not cripple me today.
I’ve conquered so much already, so I think I’ll be okay.
One moment, I’m laughing and the next, the tears are falling.
Will I be able to accept love the next time it comes calling?
I can and I will, because I still dream one day at a time, and I keep dreaming with my eyes open.
I will spin like a child beneath my mind’s blue skies, and my heart will keep on hoping.
Because I will do what I can today.
It may not be much, but it will be okay.
Today, I will stand on my own two feet.
Maybe I’m not running, but at least I'm out of my seat.
Anxiety and depression won’t hold me down today.
I have fared many wars, already,
So I KNOW I will be okay.
- KATHERINE A. GRANLUND