When indulging in food wasn't my primary coping mechanism, which I now know was an attempt at numbing myself from childhood trauma, then I slept. However, no amount of sleep ever left me feeling well rested. I walked around in a constant state of lethargy that I couldn't shake off completely. On the other hand, when I wasn't sleeping, I was daydreaming about my own death. Depression and Suicide worked tirelessly on my behalf, whispering to me how much better life would be without me being in it. Sadly, for a time, I believed the lie.
The voices in my head chided me for not being able to "pull it off." On other occasions, they spoke to me in a completely different tone and proposed new ways to extinguish my light in the world - ways that seemed more gentle or ''dignified'' to the body. Their stratagem, in the midst of a severe depression (or storms as I called them), was to seduce my soul from my body... easily, tenderly - like a lover slipping in and stealing a kiss. They even serenaded me with beautiful, dark poetry and prose about how I could finally "succeed" at doing what needed to be done. It was like lying in the midst of a very dark ocean- mysterious, deep, and romantic in how their presence swirled around my heart and mind, enveloping my pain. In these moments, I was lured into a sea of LIES; they had me believing, feeling as though we swam together, naked in the darkness, because they knew secret things about me - the parts that were hidden. These are the encounters most dangerous because instead of being your enemies, these voices sound like dear friends, precious loves, and the only ones who truly understand you...ALL LIES.
Finally, the day came when I suffered a mental breakdown and I fearfully shared with my aunt all that I had been suffering with over the years.. After hearing my struggle, she opened her mouth and blessed me. Her words entered my ears and dropped into my belly like golden coins. She shared that my father, as a young boy and man, had fought against the same convoluted desires. Suddenly, everything that I had secretly struggled with, for years, finally began to make sense and my "bones" were all out in the open, but it was only through breaking my silence that I was able to begin the ascent from the dark corners within my own soul and, most importantly, to begin turning on all the lights.
By Liberty Dawn